the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
How does one acquire holy water?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
