She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
