YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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