We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
