Do you still have your period?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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