So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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