u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
