Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
