a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
