he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
