ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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