I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
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