dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize