Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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