i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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