she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
