Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
