dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
