Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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