do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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