I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Randomize
