you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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