god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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