did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
