My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
