I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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