My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
