Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize
