We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
