Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
