I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Do vagina's smell?
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I think people are normalizing furries
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
