apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
