rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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