Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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