Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
