my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
