Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
