I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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