I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
