im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Someone stole a lamp last night.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Randomize
