I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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