I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
