I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
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