So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
