I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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