6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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