I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
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