you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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