Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
