I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Just cropdusted the office
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
