: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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